She dropped her ex, but new beau is still with his girlfriend

Dear Ellie: When we started dating four months ago, I was withsomeone, and so was he. I broke it off with my guy, and he claimshe'll break it off with her soon. But he continues to see her.

Recently, she got a hotel for them. He says he didn't sleep withher, but I doubt that. She gives him anything he wants and needs, buthe spends all his free time with me.

I'm in love with him. I know he loves me, but why won't he leaveher? What should I do?

CONFUSED

Dear Confused: You both started as "players," and he's still inthat mode. While you want an exclusive relationship, he can continueto have double the pleasure, because you let him. When you stopletting him, he'll have to make a choice.

Or he may find someone else who'll believe he's entitled to atleast two girlfriends.

Dear Ellie: I've been unable to commit to any sort ofrelationship. I go for hard-to-get men and when they start to likeme, I back off. I'm so scared to get hurt again.

It all started freshman year in college when I was dumped by theonly guy I've ever loved. He's seriously dating someone else. I nevercontacted him after he broke it off with me because I felt so hurtand rejected. His family moved around the corner from my parents andwhenever I drive over, I'm constantly dodging their house.

It has been more than five years, but I'm still broken-hearted andfear I'll never fall in love again. I've tried to change -- in mylater years of college I dated a guy for two years but broke it offwhen I realized how possessive and controlling he was.

I don't know what it's going to take to move on. It would be nicenot be so scared to get close to someone again.

STUCK IN THE PAST

Dear Stuck in the Past: You're choosing to stay "stuck" as yourdefense against the normal risks of relationships. Why do I say it'syour choice? Because you already know that you seek elusive men as achallenge, setting yourself up to dump them later. I think you'resmart enough to get an "aha" breakthrough on this pattern yourself.

Dear Ellie: My still newlywed hubby and I got off to a rough startand I'm in therapy for my insecure, controlling ways. I've alwaysbeen attention-starved, and flirty because of it. My problem iscompounded by the fact that my husband rarely wants to have sex withme -- barely three to four times a month, when I ask. He says it'sbecause I have to have everything my way. Have my controlling,insecure ways turned him off even though I'm working on it?

I'm also frustrated by his refusal to get counseling or even todiscuss this. He's otherwise loving, gives me lots of hugs andkisses, although no passion in them. Recently, while out with twohomosexual male friends, I ended up kissing both of them, as a jokethat went too far.

Were hubby to find out about this, I'm not sure what his reactionwould be. It just felt so good to get that kind of attention. I don'twant to do this again, but I also can't get the kisses out of myhead.

FRUSTRATED

Dear Frustrated: Looking for attention in the wrong places willonly increase your problems and may even drive your husband away.Your therapist can help you get to the root of what makes you soinsecure.

Meanwhile, it appears your guy may be doing his best to hang onwhile you go through this. He likely was turned off by your controltactics. Withholding sex may have become his form of counter-control. As you improve, he may become more demonstrative.

Ellie's column runs Monday through Friday. Send e-mail toaskellie@suntimes.com.